Archive | August 2017

This is PMDD

It’s a war without words as they’ve scattered with as much energy as you wish you had.
It’s a silent corner in the loudest room.
It’s chaos encased in an unmistakable shell of uncertainty.
It’s pushing and twisting every fiber of who you actually are and convincing you otherwise almost the whole time.
It’s elation when you see yourself and horror when you don’t.
It’s a plea for peace and a call for a fight.
It’s needing anyone to understand and being frustratingly relieved when they aren’t there to do it.
It’s the pain of feeling alone and the peace of knowing you aren’t.
It’s a quest for relief however it shows up.
It’s trusting that it will.
It’s a fight to breathe when you don’t want to anymore.
It’s a burden until it isn’t.
You’re a burden until you know you aren’t.
It’s a fight to see what’s worthwhile.
It’s a fight because YOU are.
It’s your struggle, your triumph, your will to use it.
It’s reality.
It’s not your fault.
It’s ok.
In my personal struggle, my hope is to somehow use the dominance of that pain to dilute someone else’s.  If you are suffering, please reach out even if just to exist with another person for a bit.  There is help and you deserve to find it.

One Minute Day Maker

I woke up and managed to polish this morning’s edition of myself entirely too early.  This meant I had extra time to spread coffee-fueled, unsolicited morning greetings to a far less enthused group of peers.
This morning was different, though.  Perhaps it was due to a pending early exit for me to spend time with a wonderful friend this afternoon.  Or perhaps it had something to do with a particularly energetic morning soundtrack brought to me in part by Robert Randolph And The Family Band.
I came around the corner as an equally cheerful coworker came up hiding something in the palm of her hand.  Her smile lit up as she said with her signature giggle, “I thought of you this weekend.” She slid something across the file cabinet toward me;  a shiny new discount card to replace the expiring one she gave me last year.  I was elated.  It was thoughtful and the timing was absolutely perfect.
I looked at the card as I held it out and thought of such a sweet gesture dropping out of nowhere and into my day.  Something stopped me.
Upon closer inspection, I realized I was smiling back at my beautiful friend Katie in her blue work vest beaming with pride for a job I know she loves.
What appeared to be an overly done spectacle of excitement over a discount card was actually a surge of spontaneous joy personified.  Someone took a minute of their day to brighten even a minute of someone else’s.  She had no idea whose smile she was handing me.  She does now.  (Let’s be honest- The entire department does now.)
These are the moments where our opportunities write themselves to show our intent.   We never know what will stem from a few seconds of time and thoughtfulness.  We know something will.

Camp cabin = Impromptu hair salon

And just like that- My day made me.
There are countless chances in our days to do something for the person next to us.  I challenge myself and anyone reading this to follow one step:  Find something short, sweet, and intentional to do for another.
Refill a coffee cup.
Leave a quarter in the vending machine.
Tell someone how genuine you think they are.
What are your one minute day makers done both for you and for others?

The Power Of Progress: Using A Changing Life

September 27, 2010-  I was a nervous wreck.  I woke up after about 2 hours of sleep and thought about the day ahead.  Mostly, how much of it I wouldn’t remember.  My joints ached and my thoughts raced as I pulled on my 3x pajama bottoms and 4x tee shirt.  This was the day I’d cross the point of no return.  Really, the point of no more binges and nights alone with just Papa John’s and me.  No more thoughts of what someone would shout as I crossed the street.  I spent countless nights sinking deeper into a cage I’d created for myself.  I wouldn’t look forward to spending nights alone in my own thoughts.  I’d look forward to the relief of knowing I wouldn’t have to be seen or share them with anyone else.

“How am I going to lead these girls up a mountain hike?”-  Me

September 27 was the day I went in for a life changer called a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  I’d tried numerous methods of weight loss and, as statistics seem to reflect, I spun the needle on the scale back and forth all while exhibiting symptoms of early heart failure and diabetes.  I was 26.  I was not ready to die so young.

9-27-10-  The day of no return-  Still clearly not into looking at cameras.

I was told countless times all the ins and outs of the procedure and what it would require going forward.  I was excited and so completely ready.  Soon after recovery, I was able to start walking more comfortably and slowly began reintroducing healthier foods in smaller quantities.  I took any chance I got to keep moving as the excitement of melting out of my clothes took hold.  Once I could walk a full mile, I decided to try running a lap.  Then 3.  Then more.  I had the support of my friends and family and a particularly headstrong coworker who ran with me.  I felt lighter and physically able to do much more.  I started buying all of my clothes in thrift shops because I actually could now.  Gone were the days of hiding and fielding unsolicited rude comments by anyone who felt entitled to share.
For a while.

Two months of progress- Two more months of still avoiding cameras.

I had a new body still covered in the skin from a 200 pound prison that had disappeared.  I learned to dress myself differently to highlight what felt good to me.  Most of all, I learned to embrace that I was about to become a patchwork quilt and a story in organic form.  I named it my Franken-body.
Still-  The comments trickled but still existed.  One particular evening, I approached my car post-grocery shopping and a lady with short blonde hair, a blue Geo Metro and a camel between her teeth urgently requests to me, “Walk faster, fatty!” as she waited for my front row parking spot.  I obliged without saying a word.  It didn’t hurt so much as it shocked me.  I was no longer a size 28.  I was a size 12- One size smaller than the national average.  From that moment, I started to really pay attention to how differently people treat others based on appearance only.  My size no longer mattered to me as much as my reflection of how one should be treated did.  I vowed at that moment to always pay attention in every way I could.
A year passed and I had entered the world of dating.  I was 28 and hadn’t ever experienced such a thing.  It was exciting and uncomfortable in the best way!  I learned more than I ever thought I could about life through stepping all over the edge of my comfort zone.  I’d been hidden away by several in the previous years only to be acknowledged privately.  I was relieved I didn’t have to hide.. But more relieved I didn’t have to be hidden.   It was an interesting experiment in the handling personal relationships.  I learned to forgive more and stand up for myself to those who suddenly treated me differently than they had before.  I learned to develop what I wanted and how I wanted to achieve it.  I learned that it was okay to trip and fall all over my decisions because they didn’t hurt so badly anymore.  They were supposed to be there to teach me.
In the past 7 years, my life has introduced me to greater love than I ever imagined, greater loss than I was prepared to experience, and the greatest lessons along the way.  While I’ve lost count of how many scars I have or how much weight I’ve gained or lost, I have started to view it all as a part of exactly who I am and who I’ll become.  I embrace each curve these scars take just as I embrace the new ones that fluctuate with the weight I gain and lose.  Through heartbreak or happiness, they are still there changing right along with me.  I’ve had numerous doctors ask if I’d like something to lighten the dark lines where the stitches were or to cover them up.  I knew I’d reached my purpose when my first question back to them started being a genuinely confused yet poignant, “Why?”
I’m reminded of them each time I pull on my favorite dress and actually like that it reveals part of the patchwork quilt I’ve become.  I’m reminded of how far things have come each time I wave and my beloved bat wings keep waving long after my hands have.  I have my moments of regret and insecurity.  Somehow though, I’ve been able to use my experience to pull away from the dark pages and into the silver lining of the entire book.  I have no idea how I got so lucky, but I’m constantly learning why I did.
I’m reminded that I have a story to tell and I’m reminded of how lucky I am to tell it.  I am still judged harshly just as we all are in different ways.  I’m surprised, though, at how beautiful our imperfections can be.  The jagged edge of what used to be a fuller body is now quite literally the signature on the work of art.  We don’t often get those opportunities in life.  The body I had once created as protection has become one I’ve gotten to remake as a canvas.  It serves as a personal daily testament to the power of progress and it’s a constant reminder to keep using that.
Thank you for being a part of my story.  How do you tell yours?

The Sweetness of Break Time

The office candy dish-  Something so simple and petite-  A tiny accent in the corner of a giant, marble desk.
The glass dish has become somewhat of a staple for the buzzing lobby of our corporate office.  Here’s the thing-  It didn’t begin that way.  In my position, I get to be in the center of a large multi-level office.  My vantage point is filled with beautiful granite and marble, soaring windows, and a serene view of our own private pond.  I hear the soft undertone of deals being made and deadlines being set.
Each person is navigating their day in the same space with the same ultimate goal in vastly different ways.
As I settled into my job, I quickly realized how many different personalities crossed my desk each day.  They would walk up with enough time to breathe, vent their frustration, take in the views, and quietly move along after an impromptu pep talk.
The most common complaint in the corporate world has to do with differing personalities.  We are challenged to not only get along with an wide range of opinions and work styles, but to do it productively.  These differences affect really every aspect of our work day from projects and deadlines to the ability to work independently in peace.  In my office, there were conflicts coming in at an alarming rate.  The morale was dropping as the complaints and tension soared.  Something interesting and refreshing happened, though.  The fulcrum-  A 5 pound bag of Tootsie Rolls.
I filled a glass vase to the top.  The corner of my desk transformed into a peaceful space I lovingly dubbed “The Zen Zone”.  The objective- Grab 5 minutes, a Tootsie Roll, and some perspective.
Before long, the jar was depleted and ready to be refilled.  We now gauge our days on a scale of 1-19 Tootsie Rolls.  We laugh more.  The frustrations turned into stories.  They turned into sharing about families and pets complete with photos.  My coworkers started to relax even for a moment by stepping out of their spaces to share this one.
In your daily work spaces, how are you interacting with your coworkers?  How does your personality or experience evolve in 40 hours of sharing it each week?
What ways are you contributing to employee morale?  What policy changes might you consider to alleviate stress from the human side of your work space?
My challenge to everyone is this-
Find one easy, streamlined tool to center your space.  We can find ideas for such things by listening between the words of your coworkers and employees.  Check out Pinterest for fun office ideas.  Better yet, collect various ideas and go for a vote.  The effort to extend something purely beneficial to your peers is ultimately beneficial for your company.
What will become your “saving vase”?

The Break And The Balance Of Using Our Stress

Our brains are wired to respond to stress and stimulation in very specific ways.  Adrenaline, endorphins, Serotonin, and Cortisol are all ready to fire in an effort to balance your body.

But what if we take the same approach as the humans that embody all of these chemicals and hormones?  What if we are able to have complete control of how WE respond to our situations and the actions we take just as the body responds to what it perceives as something that needs fixed?

This is where the pure benefit of stress management outweighs any situation we are experiencing.  In the midst of all of the chaotic physical responses to our stress, our bodies are just trying to balance.  We often forget to do the same outside of the physical form of us.

Here are my favorite five stress management essentials proven to alleviate some of the physical side effects of our experiences.

1.  Handle with care.

Being prepared for the inevitable curveballs life throws isn’t just about having a backup plan.  It’s about what you’ll do when it’s time to use it and what you’ll do if even THAT falls through.  We are programmed for comfort.  If you find yourself getting into that loop of negative thoughts, here’s your opportunity to physically make an effort to change your scenery.  Talk a walk.  Step outside.  Sit down and compile a grocery list.  Doing something small will be reason enough for your brain to take some of the focus away from the chaos.

2.  Look for the gifts.

We don’t have to accept everything with great positivity.  In fact, we can allow ourselves to get angry or upset.  I find almost daily that if I’m frustrated or overwhelmed with any situation, my instinct is to let it sink me.  That’s natural.  Luckily, I have also discovered that I learn an incredible amount of patience through such things.

Our trials are our tools to find what we’re really made of and, more importantly, what we’re made for.

3.  Give.

When our own lives get to be too consumed with daily stress, we tend to look only at OUR current status.  We tend to block out much of what goes on with others simply because we’re consumed with trying to balance ourselves.  But here’s a flip side I have found to be invaluable;  Giving your energy to someone else in need of it breathes new energy into you.  It clears out some of the space in your own mind as you use that pent up stress to fuel an effort to give.  When you wake up to racing thoughts of pressure from work, sadness over a loss, or even just a feeling of being stuck, USE that anxiety.  The negative energy you shed in walking up to a volunteer opportunity gets to be transformed into positive energy for someone else as they hold the tray you’re filling for them.

4.  Sit down.

I see people every day who have somehow convinced themselves that they don’t deserve a break.  The fact is, breaks are not earned.  They’re required in order to keep going.  We cannot operate without them.  I’ve found that it’s more of a responsibility to take reasonable breaks in order to fuel actual productivity and clarity.

5.  Rinse and Repeat.

This is perhaps the most difficult step for me.  After the exhaustion of mental and physical response to stress and putting in the effort to practice the first 4 essentials, it’s often more daunting to me to do it all over again.  The key I’ve found here is patience-  Slowing down and trusting that the process of repeating eventually gets easier.  Implementing new ideas in handling stress is stressful in itself.  If we are able to step back however, we will see that it does get easier.  It becomes the automatic response.  This is where using stress is crucial.

Eventually, we handle our situations as they slowly, but surely stop handling us.