I lost it this morning over a coffee maker. Not just any coffee maker, a broken one. One that was a gift because coffee in the morning is something to enjoy and to breathe in and to slow the minutes. It’s something I do on purpose.
I’d filled my cup pushing the button with the rim just as gently as every other time. This time, though, it stuck. Suddenly, I’m calculating, “How much did I make?” as I’m watching 5 cups of beautifully roasted morning peace spread itself across the counter. I laughed. Holly’s dad comes around the corner to find me next to a mountain of Bounty hoping for the best. He helped me dry the mess and went back to bed before another trip out of state today. I went to get the baby, admittedly quite pleased with my ability to laugh this one off so well.
I fed Holly her usual breakfast and returned to the kitchen to refill mine. I pushed the button. It broke. This time, so did I. In one fluid move, I reached for the paper towels to dry the counter and quickly found myself bringing them to my face instead. I let out one of the most heartbreakingly long sighs I’d ever given and hung my head along with it. The baby was happily playing in her crib as I could see her tiny feet kicking with glee at the sight of her own warped face in the plastic mirror. I looked up and found my own surrounded by the frame of my favorite $12 mirror on the kitchen wall.
I had officially lost my shit. I sobbed as quietly as possible as I dried my face and reached down to clean the other mess. I found my way to the tool box, pleading with the powers that be to let the power of a Black & Decker screwdriver save the day. Each twist of the Phillips head felt strangely exhausting. Soon, I gave up and left the pieces, collected my own, and returned to a cheerful Holly peering up at me from her crib.
I lost it over a coffee maker. Packed into a few minutes of silent chaos, it was so much more.
It was new motherhood and navigating it like it’s the darkest forrest intertwined with beautifully sun-lit trails. It was forgetting the meeting last week and forgetting what day this one is. It was balancing the challenges of parenting life along with the fun of it. It was finding energy to work and energy to take time away from it. It was looking in the mirror to find a messy pile of once-styled hair atop a bewildered face wondering if I accidentally gave the baby an extra drop of D3. It was wondering what that might do if I had. It was glancing into her room to make sure she was safe and looking into the next to make sure her daddy was still asleep after the thunderous tumble of the hairbrush into the fiberglass tub. It was standing in the kitchen losing my damn marbles over plastic and metal representing my only purposeful break of the day.
It was the moment I realized that this tiny human, our tiny human, was looking at me- tear-stained face and all. While I’m doing all I can to stop the world for a minute, she’s looking at me to make it turn. And suddenly, I forgot everything.