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A New Heart: The One We Created Is Creating Me

Feb27

I am a mother.

That’s still such a strange feeling and I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to it.  More importantly, I will work forever to be it.  I get to be a mother when I never expected to be one.  I was the crazy hippie aunt, you know?  The one with a martini on a Monday and the quiet corner of a coffee shop on a Sunday afternoon.

The past year has proven to me just how far the mind can go in polar opposite directions.  It’s proven to me just how far I will go to follow it.  How willing am I to forge a path through the unknown on a daily basis and how grateful am I for that chance?  I’m learning those answers every single day.

The first 7 weeks have given me life and taken some away.  I am working to not feel guilty for the rough times.  I’m working to quiet myself and enjoy the good ones.  I’m working to take in every moment of both.

This is the ultimate game changer, freedom fighter, heart breaker, and peace maker.  It encompasses every single challenge in daily life and compacts itself into one tiny being who dictates everything about our next move because that is her job.  She has all of the things she needs while we are endlessly guessing, second guessing, determining, repeating..

What does she need?

Do we have that?

How is she doing?

How are we doing?

How are we?…

We are tired.  We’re usually hungry because her timing is fine-tuned to interrupt every single attempt to have dinner in its original state before the reheating begins.

We are lucky.

We leveled up.

 

Holly Jewell Bauer

**1-7-19**

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This is PMDD

Aug28

It’s a war without words as they’ve scattered with as much energy as you wish you had.
It’s a silent corner in the loudest room.
It’s chaos encased in an unmistakable shell of uncertainty.
It’s pushing and twisting every fiber of who you actually are and convincing you otherwise almost the whole time.
It’s elation when you see yourself and horror when you don’t.
It’s a plea for peace and a call for a fight.
It’s needing anyone to understand and being frustratingly relieved when they aren’t there to do it.
It’s the pain of feeling alone and the peace of knowing you aren’t.
It’s a quest for relief however it shows up.
It’s trusting that it will.
It’s a fight to breathe when you don’t want to anymore.
It’s a burden until it isn’t.
You’re a burden until you know you aren’t.
It’s a fight to see what’s worthwhile.
It’s a fight because YOU are.
It’s your struggle, your triumph, your will to use it.
It’s reality.
It’s not your fault.
It’s ok.
In my personal struggle, my hope is to somehow use the dominance of that pain to dilute someone else’s.  If you are suffering, please reach out even if just to exist with another person for a bit.  There is help and you deserve to find it.